Welcome to August, folks!
My month is already off to a great start! My dear friend Ms. Bonaparte and I did a 4 miles circuit today, 1.5 miles running, and then 2.5 miles walking. I thought we had run 2 miles, but it was actually 1.4 miles. Oh well, we’ll do better tomorrow! I walked 2 miles while I was waiting for her to come over, so my total today was almost 6 miles!
There was a garage sale in my neighborhood, so we stopped by. We got rollerblades (Ms. Bonaparte) and a camera tripod (Me). Total expense: $6. Vah!
I’ve been battling jealousy and hurt feelings the past few weeks because my sister and Ms. Finding Allah have been so involved in fixing up the new house we’re moving into. At school Ms. FA would ask me questions or my opinion on something going on with the house and I couldn’t even say anything because I didn’t even know what she was talking about. I was going to go paint with them yesterday but I just…didn’t go. I feel left out and I know it’s infantile but I just don’t feel involved.
It’s been hard to reconcile how my sister and I have changed. We live in two increasingly different worlds and I don’t enjoy spending time with her friends because all they talk about is work and co-workers and I have no idea or interest in who or what they’re talking about.
I need to go to university and find out exactly what I need to do next. I’ve submitted my application, filed for financial aid, and now…I need to take the next step. I’m waiting on my high school transcripts but my sister said she never had to give her transcripts and I’m just so freakin’ confused and frustrated. The last time I went I got a parking ticket outside the admissions office and that just added insult to injury. AUUUUGH. I hate this. I wish I could get a bachelor’s from this college I’m going to right now. I don’t want to leave. I hate change. Hate it hate it hate it.
I’ve been considering going into physical therapy or fitness training. Pretty much the only thing I really enjoy is working out. I’m not one of those people who can just be happy to be happy. My baseline personality is “melancholy.” To get up to cheerful I have to artificially bump up endorphins and/or adrenaline. My personal motto is “When you move, they can’t getcha.” I first read it in The Bone Collector and it’s stuck with me since then. As long as I keep moving, “they,” be it my own destructive thoughts and personality, personal demons, whatever, “they” can’t get me.
Ramadan is on the way. I’ve been feeling so spiritually low. Everytime I miss Fajr, or switch on the radio in the car, or spend 4 hours online at a time when I could be reading Quran or studying Arabic, it gnaws at me. I just turn the radio up higher or hit the alarm or watch another episode of Grey’s Anatomy on Hulu, but it’s in there, gnawing, gnawing, gnawing. How do I break this cycle?