The Perfect Muslim Girl

She’s out there somewhere, of course. If you find her, she will (not) exhibit the following qualities:

The perfect Muslim girl

  • has never willingly watched an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, they’re whores. Whores are haraam.
  • would never dream of getting a divorce. Divorce is for women who are bad Muslims or ungrateful.
  • only listens to Quran in the car. Music is for prostitutes.
  • has never liked a boy. What’s a boy?
  • wears an abaya.
  • rocks the body of a supermodel underneath said abaya.
  • has never had a mustache.
  • has never uttered the words, “God, I’m so freakin’ hairy today. I need to de-hair.”
  • has memorized the entire Quran.
  • will marry you in exchange for something noble and completely intangible in this world, like hadith qudsi.
  • doesn’t care if you have a job or money as long as you’ll take her to heaven.
  • will teach you the entire Quran.
  • will inspire you to be a better Muslim just by gazing upon her perfect godly countenance of purity and smokin’ hot bod.
  • will take you to heaven on her abaya-tails.
  • has never struggled with depression, bipolar disorder, bulimia, anorexia, despair, self-doubt, self-pity, substance abuse, molestation, family abuse, emotional abuse, rape, binge-eating, OCD, body dysmorphic disorder, cutting, weight gain or anything else that only happens to non-Muslims.
  • doesn’t have kids from a previous marriage or *gasp* relationship
  • is a virgin
  • is drop-dead gorgeous
  • wears niqab if she is drop-dead gorgeous
  • (Wait, how do you know she is drop-dead gorgeous? Someone hasn’t been lowering their gaze.)
  • can cook just like your mother.
  • can cook better than your mother.
  • will be like your mother in every way, just with lots more sex and zero nagging.
  • thinks being a wife and mother is the only way to get to heaven.
  • doesn’t want to work outside the home. Girls who work are in love with this world and hastening the arrival of the Day of Judgement.
  • doesn’t wear makeup outside the house
  • doesn’t wear colors not found in the potting soil section of Home Depot
  • doesn’t worry about that one glittery hijab that sheds everywhere
  • (Wait, there are more?)
  • doesn’t have a box, drawer or rack designated just for scarves
  • (…coordinated by color, material, and outing type).
  • doesn’t put pictures of herself on Facebook.
  • is not friends with boys on Facebook.
  • does not talk to boys on Facebook.
  • never voluntarily tags herself in pictures on Facebook.
  • would never think, “Tag me already, you lazy ho.”
  • does not curse.
  • does not know how to curse.
  • is not a better driver than you.
  • doesn’t do anything.
  • would never dream of writing a list like this.

The REAL Muslim Girl is

Not Perfect!