i'm lost


My grandmother, whom we lovingly referred to as Nani Jaan, just passed away on Thursday. Her funeral was Friday. It’s slowly starting to hit me that I’m never going to see her again in this life. I just shoo’d the cat off the table because I was afraid he was going to pick at Nani’s leftover anda and roti (eggs and bread) but there was no anda and there was no roti. I’m never going to be able to make a cup of chai for Nani or roll my eyes when she asks me where I’m going or when I’ll be back. My mom always said we’d miss her when she’s gone but I didn’t believe her. I hope she forgave me for anything bad I ever did to her. I wish she was here so I could do everything over again and not get so impatient with her.

I slept for 16 hours yesterday. All the stress and lack of sleep for the last two weeks finally hit me. I can’t even imagine what my mom and her brothers and sisters are going through, losing their mom. That’s their mother. No matter how hard we try we can never replace our mother. Once she’s gone she’s not coming back to this life. It’s us who have to join her in the akhirah, in a good place, the best place insha Allah.

I’m glad though, that she went peacefully in the last 10 days of Ramadan. Her janaazah was on the final Friday of Ramadan. There were so many people at the funeral prayers. She was a strong woman, and well-loved.

I miss her. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her. None of us in this family would.

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon. To God we belong and to Him we shall return.


6 thoughts on “Loss.”

  1. Dear Sarah, My heart goes out to you and your mom. You always spoke so highly of your grandma, and when i saw her last year the way she looked at you and talked to you she had so much love for you and your sister. Grandmas are wonderful and forgiving, and honestly i do not think you had done anything that would count in any negative way. My duas are with her and your and your family. Hugs to you and your mom

    1. *hugs* Thank you Tunde, it means a lot to us. I miss you and the kids, I’m taking a break from Facebook for a while but I love the pictures and they’re growing up so fast!

  2. Sarah, may Allah have mercy on your grandmother and make her grave spacious and full of light and reunite all of you in the hereafter. May Allah bring comfort and peace to your hearts.

    It’s hard sometimes to find the right words to say and I feel at a distinct loss for words but hope you find comfort in knowing I’m listening and I care and my heart aches for you and your family.

    1. Ameen, thank you Ify. Did you get to meet her when she was in Maryland with us, years ago? I miss you and I’m always thinking about you.

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